Attachment styles explained(and how they show up at work and in relationships)
There’s a lot of talk about attachment styles these days. What’s all the fuss about? Well, in the 70’s Mary Ainsworth introduced some research that was profound in that time. She came up with the research scenario called “the Strange Situation”. Mothers would bring their 3-4 year old toddlers to the lab, and they would be introduced to a room filled with all kinds of exciting toys. The experiment involved approximately 7 different observations, each with a duration of approximately three minutes.
They observed mother and child alone in the room together
The moment the child is encouraged by the primary caregiver to explore
A stranger entering the room and attemtping to interact with the child
The mother leaving the room with the stranger being alone with the child,
The mother returning and the stranger leaving, the mother leaving again,
The stranger returning again, and
The mother returning and the stranger exiting
Ainsworth, and her colleague, Cynthia Bell, would use several criteria to code the observations into categories, how the child explores their environment in the presence or absence of her caregiver, and when in the presence of a stranger. Researchers would try to observe and code the reactions of the infants once the caretaker returned. They were able to come up with 3 different standard reactions. The set of behaviors the researchers labeled “anxious’, in which infants would cling to their caretaker when they came back into the room; “avoidant”. where the infants would act like the caretaker never left, “secure’, where they would hug their caretaker, and go back to playing, and a fourth type of reaction, termed somewhat later, called ‘disorganized.’ With disorganized, it was apparent to researchers that the infants didn’t know what to do, whether to come towards or away from the caretaker, what happens when there is abuse or unpredictable behavior in the family. What researchers have come to discover is that these attachment behaviors remain somewhat stable through out the life span, with occasional influence of the intimate partner relationships people come in and out of throughout life.
Attachment styles at work: It’s the monthly staff meeting. Can you identify the attachment styles, and how they play out in the room? There are the people poised and ready, pens and computers in hand, almost too eager to answer questions and volunteer for positions. There are the people that have a difficult time letting go of contracts. There are the people rolling their eyes or falling asleep in the corner.
*Sarah is a high powered consultant. She has a client who is constantly demanding the teams attention and exhausting their resources. Sarah is constantly navigating her client’s perceived slights from the team. Sarah may be dealing with an anxiously attached client. Anxious attachment is characterized by an extreme sensitivity to anything that may be perceived as a rejection. Tom, also a consultant, is struggling with the opposite problem with his client. Any requests for information are met with animosity and anxiety. Tom’s client reacts with hostility at any bid Tom makes to understand or get closer to the client and the situation.
Sometimes the signs are a team that doesn’t know what to do in a crisis. When your team is comprised of more securely attached individuals, the environment is one in which people seek to understand, and are able to have regulated nervous systems under stress that enable them to turn towards each other for help rather than cling, over distance, or become super reactive under stress.
Attachment styles in relationships: In relationships, attachment works in various ways. Can you not stop thinking about your partner when he hasn’t texted in 6 hours? You may be anxiously attached. Do you find yourself convincing yourself you are already broken up, and block him? You may be avoidant. Are you confused about your behavior when you feel as though your partner is distancing? You may be disorganized. If you find yourself trying to understand what happened, and knowing thing will be ok, you may be more securely attached to your partner.
What does all of this mean? While our attachment style is somewhat hard-wired into our nervous syystems from birth to age 12, having more secure relationships or engaging in therapy can change and shift your attachment style to a healthier one. Psychotherapeutic approaches like EMDR therapy can rewire the nervous system making your nervous system respond differently to distancing, ,making it less of a perception of threat, and therefore changing this automatic reaction. If you have a secure attachment style growing up, this is typically not as easily shifted to a more reactive style, due to how the brain is wired through development in childhood. But if you are anxious, and your partner is anxious, depending on which one of you is more wired to be anxious you may find yourself reacting in a more avoidant or disorganized fashion. We tend to attach to intimate partners in a manner that involves their own reactions to us, making it not a way to predict patterns of relating, but more of a way of explaining them.
If you find you are struggling and suspect your own attachment patterns as a reason, therapy can help you get your relationships back on track!
