What does ‘De-centering Men’ mean, and how can it help me connect more in my relationship?
You were up last night again googling, ‘why am I nagging so much, why do I feel so alone in this relationship? ‘ What if I told you that your relationship anxiety isn’t totally on you? If you were raised Gen X or millennial, (and definitely if you are a boomer) you were heavily influenced as a heterosexual woman by the patriarchal society to center men in your life and in your relationships. You learned to objectify yourself, and think of yourself essentially from outside your body. Every time you think about what you must look like to other people, you project an image of yourself that you can then try to alter according to the societal ideal. But guess what? That means you aren’t inside noticing how you feel, you are thinking about how other people feel about you. Gabor Mate says that the human child is born with 2 needs, attachment and authenticity. When our ability to attach to others hinges on having to look a certain way, that may counteract our ability to be authentic to ourselves. So starting with body image we are taught to deprive ourselves of food oftentimes, especially if we aren’t born naturally slim, or we sacrifice connection.
On top of feeling anxious about connection based on how we might appear, women are often times taught to prioritize heterosexual relationships from a very young age. Charlie Taylor, in her book, ‘Decentering Men”, talks about the female child being encouraged to nurture baby dolls and plan weddings while the male child is encouraged to explore the world of things. The female developing adult goes to college thinking about a spouse rather than being encouraged to have multiple sexual experiences and think about changing the world like males in our society. We are taught that there is a “one” whom will magically know all of our wants and needs, which is good, because we don’t know what they are anymore. But not good-because men aren’t taught to wonder about what we need in relationships. They know that kind of stuff is women-territory.
Part of becoming less anxious in relationships is becoming more connected with yourself. As you begin to learn what you want and need, you no longer depend on someone else to know what that is and feel that something is wrong with them when they don't . Decentering men means shifting the focus to a more egalitarian lens. It means asking yourself what the focus is on now, and how would you like to shift it. If you find yourself nagging, how can you take your power back? Can you hire someone to take care of a project your partner isn’t getting to? Do you need to take yourself out to dinner, or learn how to drive on the highway so you can drive to your sisters house? If you feel tapped, can you turn to community resources and support? Once you start to become more independent in your relationship it is very possible your partner may take on more, or you will learn to connect in other relationships, instead of relying on 1 relationship to get all of your needs met.
